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Contents Listing - Articles & Features in this issue
PEUGEOT 106 TURBO - Little car, little turbo, little 0-60 times... Well, that's what Emma tells us and, let's face it, she obviously knows a lot about cars 'cos she's got a racing licence. It's a serious motor, honest
PUNTO SPORTING - This one's written by Max-virgin Hans. He's our new bloke and a bit of a drinker. What do you think girls You'll have to wait until our advertising department slappers have finished with him, though. Tequila anyone
RENAULT 5 GT TURBO GROUP THRASH - Group Thrash of monstrous proportions. Nineteen (that's 19) 1.4-litre, turbocharged buggers fight it out and try to beat the 0-60 of 5.38 seconds set by a flippin' Nova. Emma drove a fire-engine while Walshy surfed on it (and wanked over it). Walshy really likes fire-fighting appliances
RIEGER SPECIAL - During a break in his 10-week European holiday, Walshy bumps into Tony Tiger' Rieger and exchanges hair-care hints. Walshy asks if Tony has ever watched The Hair Bear Bunch. What do you mean he makes bodykits
TWO-UP MERCEDES ACTION - Mess with these in your RS Turbo and expect to be blown into the weeds... in more ways than one. One packs 2.3-litre, 8v punch and the other packs a Cossie lump. Give up now
VAUXHALL CALIBRA - It's from Scotland and Bill flys there via Barbados on expenses. Pity the photographer had to drive for 87 hours in an amphibious Allegro (which Bill paid for on expenses). I can't believe Ambrose signed the claim for that one
ICE CARS: MCLAREN F1 - Standard kit for an F1 is a Kenwood CD player. No tuner and no tape deck, just a CD player. Okay, a few speakers too... but that's it
LANCIA DELTA INTEGRALE - Bill has come up with some shit about one of his favourite cars. He likes Deltas and he's stupid. That's why he wrote the Chinky Chento feature. Isn't that right Bill [Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a homosexual, sheep- shagging Aussie - bt)
LOTUS CARLTON REPLICA - Big, green and scary... and it ain't one of Emma's squashy snots. It's got an engine from Germany, leather from a cow, woolly carpet from a sheep (Yes, I know her well - BT) and an owner with ;i screw loose
READERS CARS: PURPLE ASTRA - It's late and I'd ratlier be at home shagging with my girly. She's really lovely. And she has a brain too. That counts for a lot these days 'cos there's loads of nutty 'Bunny Boilers' out there. Anyway, I've decided, I am off home
CRUISE PATROL - Hey, it's Walshy again. Here he is trying his luck with the girlies in Yeovil. He fails miserably. Watch him cry as they all snog Fly. Bastard... he gets all the women
FREAKS OF NATURE - It's a VW T4 van. Spotted in Germany and well tuff. It's a cool van, if there is such a thing (No! - DC) Damon hates it, but he drives a VW Beetle so what do you expect
ON A MISSION - It's a new semi-regular feature. Yes, that's all new. Bored with Britain Well all "I these places are available to you within about 10 hours by car. First stop, Amsterdam. Sex, drugs, cock-in-hole. Tulips from Hamster-Spam...
WIN AN ASTRA-Yes, that's 'Win an Astra'. Sorry, but it's only got the 130bhp engine. Never mind, we'll Max it for you before you have the keys, so don't worry mate, we'll see yer right...
Max Torque
Write Off
Motormouth/Power Preview
Performance Info
Ice info
Ice A-Z Glossary
Arse End
TOP GEAR-Tons of top products to wank over you guys can have them. What a nice bloke. Hey John, can I have the remote-control Audi A4 mate (No, Fuck Off! - JS.) Okay, not that nice
ASTRA GSi BUYING GUIDE - The 16v Mk3 Astra really shifts. It looks quite horny too. No car's perfect, though, so we tell you how to make your Astra GSi go faster, stop quicker, look better and handle like an, err... sports car
POWER SURGERY-It's me, Father Jon, back again to answer your tuning, styling and ICE prayers, provided I've got them
MORTAL KOMBAT - Suspension goodies are under scrutiny as John and Emma duel for hot-hatch supremacy. Let's face it, both cars are shite. Just wait until they see Walshy's Nova
ICE MEGA GUIDE - Top-end component speakers: It's the turn of expensive midrange & tweeter speaker set-ups to be pushed and prodded by the probing toys of Adam Rayner. Mind you, don't eat this lot Adam
ICE MINI TEST - Pioneers 50+1 CD changer. Fuck me. I just about own 20 CC let alone 51 of the buggers to stick in one of these phat bastards
TUG O'PHWOOOOOARRR - Let's face it, it's just a sex thing. Get a load of the knockers on this, oo-er missus, you don't get many of them to a pound, show us yer beaver, rat out, nipples like blind cobblers' thumbs, nice panty hamster, out with yer clout. nipples like bin lids. Need we say more
PUNTO SPORTING - This one's written by Max-virgin Hans. He's our new bloke and a bit of a drinker. What do you think girls You'll have to wait until our advertising department slappers have finished with him, though. Tequila anyone
RENAULT 5 GT TURBO GROUP THRASH - Group Thrash of monstrous proportions. Nineteen (that's 19) 1.4-litre, turbocharged buggers fight it out and try to beat the 0-60 of 5.38 seconds set by a flippin' Nova. Emma drove a fire-engine while Walshy surfed on it (and wanked over it). Walshy really likes fire-fighting appliances
RIEGER SPECIAL - During a break in his 10-week European holiday, Walshy bumps into Tony Tiger' Rieger and exchanges hair-care hints. Walshy asks if Tony has ever watched The Hair Bear Bunch. What do you mean he makes bodykits
TWO-UP MERCEDES ACTION - Mess with these in your RS Turbo and expect to be blown into the weeds... in more ways than one. One packs 2.3-litre, 8v punch and the other packs a Cossie lump. Give up now
VAUXHALL CALIBRA - It's from Scotland and Bill flys there via Barbados on expenses. Pity the photographer had to drive for 87 hours in an amphibious Allegro (which Bill paid for on expenses). I can't believe Ambrose signed the claim for that one
ICE CARS: MCLAREN F1 - Standard kit for an F1 is a Kenwood CD player. No tuner and no tape deck, just a CD player. Okay, a few speakers too... but that's it
LANCIA DELTA INTEGRALE - Bill has come up with some shit about one of his favourite cars. He likes Deltas and he's stupid. That's why he wrote the Chinky Chento feature. Isn't that right Bill [Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a homosexual, sheep- shagging Aussie - bt)
LOTUS CARLTON REPLICA - Big, green and scary... and it ain't one of Emma's squashy snots. It's got an engine from Germany, leather from a cow, woolly carpet from a sheep (Yes, I know her well - BT) and an owner with ;i screw loose
READERS CARS: PURPLE ASTRA - It's late and I'd ratlier be at home shagging with my girly. She's really lovely. And she has a brain too. That counts for a lot these days 'cos there's loads of nutty 'Bunny Boilers' out there. Anyway, I've decided, I am off home
CRUISE PATROL - Hey, it's Walshy again. Here he is trying his luck with the girlies in Yeovil. He fails miserably. Watch him cry as they all snog Fly. Bastard... he gets all the women
FREAKS OF NATURE - It's a VW T4 van. Spotted in Germany and well tuff. It's a cool van, if there is such a thing (No! - DC) Damon hates it, but he drives a VW Beetle so what do you expect
ON A MISSION - It's a new semi-regular feature. Yes, that's all new. Bored with Britain Well all "I these places are available to you within about 10 hours by car. First stop, Amsterdam. Sex, drugs, cock-in-hole. Tulips from Hamster-Spam...
WIN AN ASTRA-Yes, that's 'Win an Astra'. Sorry, but it's only got the 130bhp engine. Never mind, we'll Max it for you before you have the keys, so don't worry mate, we'll see yer right...
Max Torque
Write Off
Motormouth/Power Preview
Performance Info
Ice info
Ice A-Z Glossary
Arse End
TOP GEAR-Tons of top products to wank over you guys can have them. What a nice bloke. Hey John, can I have the remote-control Audi A4 mate (No, Fuck Off! - JS.) Okay, not that nice
ASTRA GSi BUYING GUIDE - The 16v Mk3 Astra really shifts. It looks quite horny too. No car's perfect, though, so we tell you how to make your Astra GSi go faster, stop quicker, look better and handle like an, err... sports car
POWER SURGERY-It's me, Father Jon, back again to answer your tuning, styling and ICE prayers, provided I've got them
MORTAL KOMBAT - Suspension goodies are under scrutiny as John and Emma duel for hot-hatch supremacy. Let's face it, both cars are shite. Just wait until they see Walshy's Nova
ICE MEGA GUIDE - Top-end component speakers: It's the turn of expensive midrange & tweeter speaker set-ups to be pushed and prodded by the probing toys of Adam Rayner. Mind you, don't eat this lot Adam
ICE MINI TEST - Pioneers 50+1 CD changer. Fuck me. I just about own 20 CC let alone 51 of the buggers to stick in one of these phat bastards
TUG O'PHWOOOOOARRR - Let's face it, it's just a sex thing. Get a load of the knockers on this, oo-er missus, you don't get many of them to a pound, show us yer beaver, rat out, nipples like blind cobblers' thumbs, nice panty hamster, out with yer clout. nipples like bin lids. Need we say more
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